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I had a hard time sleeping last night…I cannot believe it’s been a year since our little angel arrived. Kylo Evergreen Maris you changed my life.

All day yesterday I was reflecting back to this time last year (8/25/15). I remember thinking something just felt different, and sure enough by 5pm we got our cue to gather our things and head to the hospital. We arrived by 7pm and I was already several centimeters dilated. My doctor (Who is actually my aunt, believe it or not!) told us to do some walking laps around labor & delivery and we would know soon enough if this baby was coming for real. I was having small contractions, but nothing crazy. Just these kind of waves of sensation…I remember thinking they were quite delightful…like when you feel butterflies in your stomach. I said, “How will we know if we are really doing this?”, she replied, “When you can’t stand anymore, you will know…” For the next several hours, we walked, and walked, I stood in the shower under warm running water, I bounced on an exercise ball, I put on Salt & Peppa “Push it”, I was dancing, doing squats, cracking jokes, just following my body and our baby’s lead. Next thing I know, I was about 7-8 centimeters dilated, but my water still hadn’t broke, and the contractions were still quite tolerable. I’m sure there are many mama’s reading this, thinking… Contractions!? Tolerable!? Is she nuts? Maybe its because my mother had told me all about her birth stories with my brother and I, and how easy we were - or in her words “I went to the hospital, I pushed a couple times, and next thing i knew…you were here!”. By default, I just expected the worst pain ever, but also based on her experience, I felt completely capable of rocking birth like a total bad ass, or at least I hoped!

One of my most favorite books I read while pregnant was Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, what an incredible collection of positive birth stories, the world needs more of those by the way, so I am adding mine to the collection. I don’t know what it was…I think I was, most of all, completely content. Open to whatever was going to happen, and ready to surrender. I tried to look at birth with the mindset that it was as much a transition for Kylo, as it was for me. By putting more focus on wanting to help him throughout the labor, and worry about myself second, I think I was able to just power through it and be, well…a mom. I wanted to make his arrival on earth as cushy, calm, peaceful and easy as possible. So in my mind, this was about helping him to navigate his way through, supporting him the best I could, and hoping he felt safe, and as comfortable as you can be when you are going through a tiny little tunnel that is squishing your head, shoulders, knees & toes. Most of all, I tried to hang on to my sense of humor, which I have to admit is really hard to do when the contractions are insanely close to one another and you are about ready to push.

At this point, my aunt told me she could break my water, or I could continue moving around, doing whatever other kind of Jedi mind tricks I had up my sleeve. She told me once my water broke, things were gonna move quick. I decided to take an hour or so and just see if my water would break on its own, but eventually I thought: What are we waiting for? I’ve been waiting 9 months…Lets do this! I was around 8-9 centimeters dilated when the doctor broke my water and Holy ^#$&*@Q$%…yep, shit got real real. I was making all sorts of ‘whoooo-ey" noises, I don’t even know where they were coming from, somewhere deep within me for sure. I sounded like a ghost in a haunted mansion. I was turning from side to side, i felt possessed, but I just tried to invite the surges in, let them wash over me, and just keep breathing. This is about the only time I yelled at my husband.

I remember Bill turning toward my aunt and saying, “Have you ever heard heard anything like this?” To which she replied, “Ive heard a lot of noises, but cant say I have heard these…these are really something else!” I just remember looking up at them, mid contraction, gritting my teeth and saying “Shut up! I’m trying to focus!”. Next thing I knew it was time to push. I had my hypno-birthing music in full effect, flameless candles going, my diffuser on full blast with my essential oils of ylang-ylang & orange, and I couldn’t believe it was time to push! I think I was in more amazed at how fast they transform the bed right from underneath you, it was like a set change in a broadway play… except no one needs to see this play. Lol. When it was time to push, I was super confused… I had been so focused on riding out the waves of contractions, it took a minute for my brain to switch gears and catch up. Everyone would tell me to push, and I was still doing my breathing techniques that I was using during the contractions. I was getting so confused and it was not working, I was not pushing… I had to just tune everyone out, and tune in with baby Maris and trust that we were working together, in sync, and we were a team! Finally something in my brain clicked, I was pushing, and pushing and pushing and Bill was right there by my side, unfazed by the whole thing. Seriously, I’m surprised he wasn’t in scrubs. And then at 3:11am on 8/26/15, Kylo Evergreen Maris made his debut. 7 lbs. 14 oz. of pure love. Completely natural, no meds, no shoes, no shirt, no problem. Eyes wide open, ready to party…eat, and then immediately pass out. I was in love with this sweet baby, and I was even more in love with my husband when I saw him holding the baby. And then I was just a mushy, emotional pile of goop. Hello hormones!

I was told I had a fairly fast labor (8 hours total). From the moment we arrived at the hospital, things progressed organically and unfolded smoothly. All in all, it was pretty easy. I mean i definitely remember right after giving birth thinking, “OK, I’m good on giving birth for awhile…” Its intense, no doubt, but I wouldn’t say it was painful. I loved being pregnant, I loved giving birth, and I am so grateful I got to experience it in all of its raw, divine, magical naturalness. Originally I wanted a home birth, but Bill wanted the hospital in case something went wrong (Which then I would be like, stop manifesting a negative experience! LOL) The deciding factor was my aunt, who has been my OBGYN since I was 16. I couldn’t imagine anyone else delivering this baby but her. She is a total rockstar, and at the end of the day I knew I wouldn’t be as comfortable with anyone else, as I would be with her. I decided early on that I wanted to try for an all natural labor. I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t have too much pride to know when to ask/when it was time for help (like an Epidural, emergency c-section, etc…) At the end of the day, everyone could agree on one thing: All we wanted was a healthy baby.

I arrived to the hospital prepared, because I did. I had printed copies of my birth plan, I asked that contractions be referred to as surges, I asked that under no circumstances was anyone to offer me an epidural, unless i said the magic work “toxic poison”. (I sure got a lot of eye rolling from the staff, whatever I was on a mission.)
I borrowed that one from another amazing book I read while pregnant, The Mindful Mom To Be, by my friend Lori Bregman. I really wanted Lori to be my doula, but by the time I was introduced to her, we were only like a week out from our due date. I had a couple calls with her and thats when I realized that I had never been more ready for this baby. I had my husband, I had my doctor, and that was all I needed. Come to think of it, my husband and I never even took a birth class, we totally winged it, what are we crazy?! This reminds me of when I realized that I had read all these books on pregnancy and childbirth, and none on what to do after the baby arrives…Whoops. I think after months and months of so many people giving us advice, it occurred to me that there is no right or wrong way to do this. Whatever works for you, that is what works for you, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, or what their experience is, this is YOUR EXPERIENCE, YOUR BODY, AND YOU DECIDE! If a class calls to you, do it. If you read something that resonates with you, make a note. Home birth, do it! Hospital, settle right on it! Epidural cause you are not into toleration pain at all? I totally get that. If you want to change your doctor mid pregnancy because you aren’t feeling it? You probably should… Rock out…Whatever you are feeling, that is what you are feeling, that rings true to you, and ultimately that all that should matter. THAT is what is going to make you comfortable and that is what will make for a super sweet positive birth story.

Like I said at the beginning of this, I feel like I was born to be a mom. It’s in my blood, I always feel in tune with Kylo, and ready to take on anything. Funny thing, is that before Kylo I was so awkward around kids and never felt like I knew what to do, or how to talk to them, or what they were thinking… When its your own, its like super sync, mirroring magic. Some days are more challenging than others, luckily Kylo is so cute, I think they make them that way, so you don’t give them back  I approach mother hood like I approach the rest of my life, I just surrender. I have things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, to do lists, chores, always, all day long for forever and ever…But in life, I have found, the path of least resistance is the most enjoyable. When I am not trying to control every freaking detail of my life, life unfolds so much more lovely. Surrender to the now, the distractions, the late nights, the breast feeding, the crying, the laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping, the low milk supply, the never seeing your friends, the teething, the hormones, and beyond. I surrender. I’ve heard people say sometimes how kids just complicate things, when i actually thing the opposite: Kids simplify everything in your life, if you let them.

Kylo has simplified our life in so many ways. We’ve slowed way down, we’ve learned to say no to things and people who no longer serve us, and say yes to quality time with each other, family and friends. We eat clean, we dream more, we worry less. We work hard, play hard, laugh harder, and life is so much sweeter because of him.

Today is also our 2 year anniversary, which makes it even SWEETER! I cannot imagine my life without my darling husband. If you would have told me that I would sign a CD for someone, at one of my first shows, and then 7 years later our paths would cross again, we would start dating, get engaged, get married, and then a year later to the date have a baby? I mean you cant make that shit up. What a dream. I think the thing that gets me the most, is that Kylo wouldn’t exist without Bill. If I would have married, or had a child with anyone else, Kylo wouldn’t exist. THAT BLOWS MY MIND. The best is always not happening yet and the universe always has a plan. I love my boys so much, and I love you all for being with me through this incredible journey.

This blog was WAY OVERDUE. and I am not going to spell check it, because we are headed to dinner to celebrate, so if there is typo, sorry in advance!!

To all the mamas, papas, babies, and kiddos on the planet. In the stars, coming or going. Your love is what keeps our cups filled.

Happy Anniversary Bill, and Happy 1st Birthday my sweet Kylo. I love you  both so much,

Tristan